After the birth of my first, there had been moments of anxiety and sadness, but my second was different. I began having panic attacks frequently, and feared being home alone with my kids. Around the three-month post partum mark I began having terrifying intrusive thoughts. These thoughts were like short movies playing in my head, and most often centered on harming either my children or myself. I was shocked that I could ever think such things. I fought these thoughts with every fiber of my being, but fear that I would somehow lose control began to seep in and take hold. I began avoiding anything that I considered dangerous, kitchen knives, electrical cords, anything that could potentially cause harm, or trigger a thought about harm.
I needed help. Badly. I talked to my husband, and began to seek out resources. I called health link, the mental health distress line, made an appointment with my family Dr. I was started on medication, but felt I needed more help, especially while I was waiting for the medication to take effect. I began looking into what was available in my community and came across a program at the Lois Hole Hospital for postpartum mental health. This consisted of six free therapy sessions. There I was diagnosed with harm obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This anxiety disorder, consists of having obsessive thoughts that are so distressing that a person alters their behaviors in order to avoid having them.
Once I knew what was wrong, I was able to begin to work towards getting better. It has been a difficult journey, but not an impossible one and I’ve learned so much. If you are going though something similar there is hope and healing, even though it may be hard to see it through the darkness.
There have been several things I have found helpful along the way, I hope you might find them helpful too.
1. Seek help.
First and most importantly, if you are experiencing symptoms of any post partum mood disorder, seek professional help. While it is extremely rare there have been very sad situations in which things can go badly, making it so important to rule out that risk with a trained professional such as your family physician and a mental health therapist. We have many amazing resources here in YEG including:
* Mental Health Distress Line - 780-482-HELP (780-482-4357)
* HealthLink - 811 or 1-866-408-5465
* Lois Hole Hospital Reproductive Health Program - 780-735-6785
* Your local public health unit, or if in crisis, emergency department can also provide you with resources.
2. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.
It can be easy as mothers to feel that we should have it all together, in that ideal, Instagram worthy sort of way. Perfection in motherhood is unattainable. Being a mom who makes mistakes and has imperfect moments and is still a GOOD Mom who loves her kids, is what I’m striving for these days.
3. Take care of yourself.
This one can be tricky, especially when we have little people dependent on us full time. I incorporated small things that I did just for me— little things that filled my soul. When I was at my worst I would go for a 5 minute run or walk every day. It was 5 minutes to do something I loved, and while it wasn’t always easy to get out the door, I never regretted going. Of course exercise in general is a hugely valuable part of self-care and there are so many options such as one of the amazing Fit Your Life classes. Trying to eat a more balanced diet and eating more regularly also helped.
Lastly I found lack of sleep was a huge trigger for me. Again this is a tricky thing for new moms, but I’ve learned I have to make it a priority. For me getting to bed as early as possible has helped.
4. Engage in mindfulness.
Learning to be present in the moment has been an integral part of my journey. Prayer and Meditation have been a huge part of this for me. Learning to meditate has helped me to learn to relate in a different way to my thoughts and anxiety. I’ve been using an app called Headspace, and found it very helpful.
5. Find a community.
Whether it be an existing friend group, organized Moms group, religious group, family etc, it is so important to have people who can uplift you and walk along side you. I found it difficult to talk to others about my experiences at first, but the more I do, the more I realize how many others have had similar struggles. The weight of dealing with a post partum mood disorder can feel somewhat lifted if you know you aren’t carrying it alone.
6. Look for the gifts.
I’ve found taking the time each day to write down three things that I’m thankful for has helped me to really pause, reflect on my day and see all the good. Learning to live with OCD has been a difficult experience; there’s also been many amazing gifts in this season. The need for vulnerability has helped me to develop more authentic, deeper relationships. I’ve learned its okay to ask for help. My faith in God has been strengthened. I feel that I have learned so much about how I relate to my thoughts and
feelings. This has been so empowering, and I can only hope to continue to grow through this experience.
7. Know that healing is not linear.
It has been almost 5 months since this journey began and while I’ve come a long way, I still have a way to go, and that’s okay. I still take meds, and although less frequently, I still see a therapist.
While most of the time I feel normal, and often even better than I did before this all happened, I still have bad days.
Sometimes I fall into the pit of fear and anxiety, and it feels scary and dark.
But I have been there before; my footprints are still fresh showing me the path where I climbed out last time.
So I put one foot in front of the other, always moving up and towards the light.
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